On several occasions in the past, I've had the pleasure of being with Eric "EVula" Ventress while he was awake. On the flip side, I've also had to endure him while he was asleep more times than I'd like to remember. Why is EVula so insufferable when he's dozing?
He snores.
No, "snore" isn't quite the word for it. More like, "saw a forest full of logs," or maybe "inhale an elephant." But I digress. He really is an upstanding fellow when he's conscious. His girlfriend, myself, and many others agree. But few have had the misfortune of sleeping in the same room with Eric.
Let me give you an example by setting a scene. You've just tucked yourself into bed, and for some reason Mr. Ventress is in the room with you and is tucking himself into bed as well. Why is he there? Well, perhaps you've just enjoyed splitting a Toblerone, or maybe you're just basking in the warmth of each other's presence. Anyway, after laying awake for several minutes trying to figure out why and how EVula got into your home, you drift off to sleep. You roll over groggily, and are just about to start dreaming, when a noise suddenly snaps you back to the land of the waking.
You open your eyes in the darkness. The noise is gone.... no, wait. There it is again! It happens every few seconds. And it's getting louder. And louder. And louder! A rasping, gagging racket is coming from across your room. You sit up. You look over.
It's him.
Now, this snoring sound isn't like anything that you've ever heard before. Imagine the sound of a bloated rhinoceros charging through a flooding river with an air horn strapped to it's back, obviously struggling as it barely manages to choke out a labored rasping wheeze. Or, imagine a giant whoopee cushion attached to a megaphone underneath 16 rather rotund people who also happen to suffer from chronic bronchitis. This is sound that wakes you. This is the sound that keeps you awake for several hours after that. This is the thundering, guttural, earsplitting clamor that, given enough time, will inspire you to plot the gruesome genocide of entire civilizations. Starting with him.
It's really quite difficult to explain if you haven't experienced it for yourself... but if you tried as hard as you could to make the loudest and most obnoxious snoring sound in the world, you wouldn't even come close to the cacophonous roar that Mr. Ventress is capable of. I hope he's never slept near a graveyard, because I'm sure about halfway through the night the entire population of the long deceased would come knocking at his door asking for an explanation as to why they were awoken from their rest. In fact, I'm honestly surprised that he hasn't received disturbance of the peace citations from the Murfreesboro authorities. However, that's probably due to a pending CIA investigation as to how Mr. Ventress was able to obtain top secret sonic weapons systems and get them installed into his nose. After all, Eric is still wanted in Iraq (it turns out that HE was Saddam's largest Weapon of Mass Destruction).
But it's okay. The majority of us will never have to go through the ordeal of sharing sleeping space with Eric "The Nasal Foghorn" Ventress. I slept in the same room with Eric on several occasions, and it seemed to get worse and worse each time. But... there was one thought... one pervasive glimmering ray of hope that got me through those long and mostly sleepless nights. And it was simply this:
"At least I'm not going out with him."
Sorry Eric, but God help your wife someday.